


AU

by dhyanshiva



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bipolar Disorder, First Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21884116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhyanshiva/pseuds/dhyanshiva
Summary: A run through, essentially of WTFock S3 from different perspectives and a renewed understanding of "Alternate Universes".Or how Robbe and Sander fall in love, experience Chernobyl and make it back to one another.The inspiration for these chapters will stem from songs (as indicated by chapter titles)
Relationships: Robbe Ijezermans/Sander Driesen, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	1. I Found (Part 1)

MAANDAG – 11:03

The handle turned easily in Robbe’s hand and he opened the door with his heart in his throat. As soon as he saw the unmistakable head of blond hair that could be only one person, he stopped. The ache in his chest eased slightly, his heart rate slowing to normal as he stood there for a moment taking in the fact that Sander was in front of him. The other boy’s head tilted slightly at his arrival and suddenly, Robbe was snapped out of his daze when Sander strode over to him and told him, quite aggressively, to just go away. Robbe understood. He saw the desperation in his voice, felt the tension in his grip. He wouldn’t leave. Not this time, not ever again.  
He crouched down next to Sander, the desk light bringing out the tear tracks on his cheeks, the dullness of his eyes. Sander didn’t believe him, and Robbe could see why? Why should he? After all – wait. No, now was not the time to follow that train of thought. He was here for Sander. They could discuss this and more when the time was right. Robbe tried to reassure him. He let the conviction and honesty seep uninhibited into his voice. Sander needed to feel the words to believe them, it was crucial, for them both. When Robbe saw that Sander had shifted his focus slightly, he continued.  
Letting his guard down he heard the quiver in his hushed voice, the fear when he managed to say, “Fuck Sander, I was so worried”. He slowly took hold of Sander’s clenched fist. His veins were practically jumping out of his skin, he was that taut and stiff. Robbe let his hand close over his. The ache began to dissipate further when Robbe allowed himself to express to Sander the fear that had been gnawing at him since hearing that voice message. “I thought you had – “he couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence and simply let his forehead rest against their hands, his lips touching chapped knuckles. He couldn’t let go of Sander, not even for a second. As soon as he said those words, Robbe finally let himself breathe. Sander was here, in front of him. That was all he could focus on, the chant running circles in his head. 

Robbe’s could feel his heart shatter at the words that came from Sander - he could feel his unwavering conviction, his resignation behind them and Robbe had to tell him that it simply wasn’t true. Sander, who’d been Robbe’s beacon of light in an otherwise dreary world, saw himself as a problem. He thought he was toxic, that everything he touched simply broke. No. Robbe couldn’t let him continue with that belief. He spoke immediately, “That’s not true. Sander.”. He coaxed Sander to look at him, People were always saying to Robbe that he was something of an open book: a person only had to look into his eyes to gauge what he truly felt. Sander would only see the truth in his eyes, Robbe was sure of that.

“You touched me, and I’ve never felt anything like that.” It was a truth that Robbe had understood from their very first interaction. When they were stood there, Sander promising Robbe he’d be mind - blown. He was, and it wasn’t just the food. The light – completely platonic – touch on his back had sent a feeling of warmth coursing through his veins and Robbe had forgotten how that felt. Gradually, their relationship developed and God, their first kiss had tilted Robbe’s world on its axis. Suddenly, he felt like a new person. He was so unaccustomed to the feelings that the new boy introduced to him that he ended up pushing him away in the harshest way possible. Only to be pulled back into his orbit because, well, this was Sander. Soon, Robbe just couldn’t seem to let go and neither did he really want to. Everything was simply perfect and suddenly, it wasn’t. This time, the fallout was so much worse than Chernobyl. The first time was Robbe’s fault and he blamed himself for a lot of this one too, but that Sander had taken this so badly, let the insecurity take root and clamp around his heart just destroyed Robbe.

“Ik hou van jou.” At this, Robbe felt Sander’s fist unclench slightly but the blond still wouldn’t meet his eyes. The shaking of his head, the resignation and disbelief sent a shot of fear through Robbe. Once again, he heard the pain in his voice with “You say that now. Sooner or later, I’ll hurt you again and you’ll hate me.” At this, Robbe got to his feet. Bending down slightly, he invoked their idea of parallel, alternate universes to try and convince Sander. It seemed to work, with the artist finally holding his gaze as Robbe continued, needing to get this next part across and have it register. “What happens later, we’ll deal with it then”. They’d take this one step at a time. At this, Moyo’s words came to mind and watched as he processed what had been said. Robbe reached out and gently took Sander’s hands and slowly guided him out of the seat.  
Keeping both hands in his, Robbe looked up and held Sander’s gaze, desperately trying not to let his pain and heartbreak of seeing him like this show. Sander’s hair was sticking up in places, testament to the fact that he’d run his hands through the strands repeatedly. Though he was taller than Robbe, he seemed so much smaller to him at that moment, a little stooped, shoulders drooping with exhaustion. Robbe was most struck, however, by Sander’s eyes. They were covered in a film of tears, slightly bloodshot. It wasn’t just the crying, though. Robbe had seen the numerous drawings that covered every available space in the room. The sleeping bag was a pitiful mass on the floor and looked barely slept in. Robbe shifted his gaze to hold Sander’s whose eyes were just so tired. Robbe felt the overwhelming guilt stab him once more as he saw just how exhausted and defeated this wonderful young man had become. Robbe could blame Britt – as he should – but ultimately, he’d listened and rectified that mistake a little too late. He never should have listened to her. He should have listened to Sander, only him. That is what he’d do, from now on. Taking a deep breath at Sander’s “What?”, Robbe began.

“Sander and Robbe, minute by minute”, was the game that Robbe proposed. He couldn’t help the smile that twitched at his lips when Sander asked about the rules: it meant he was on board. Moyo’s speech had given him an idea. At that moment, Robbe saw that perhaps, everything was just too overwhelming. The pace was fine, but it was a lot – it wasn’t an assumption but Robbe was considering the possibility that somehow, everything - not just their relationship - had hit Sander all at once in that hotel room and had caused an attack. Now they would take everything as it came, one by one. They wouldn’t think so far ahead and worry themselves. He wanted Sander’s acceptance and understanding, and their exchange of “okays” cemented it. Somewhat hesitant about it, Robbe began the trial run. Looking straight at Sander, he suggested “In the next minute, we’re going to kiss.” Sander’s response sent a dart of relief through him and Robbe hoped that the other boy could see the gratitude that threatened to overwhelm him. He’d missed this, he’d missed Sander, all of him.

Resting his hands against his jaw, Robbe leaned in and felt this feeling of euphoria consume him as Sander’s lips met his. It didn’t matter what kind, every kiss between them never failed to put Robbe right up there amongst the clouds. This kiss was gentle, filled with care and love. He appreciated that they were taking it slowly, they had all the time in the world now. In his mind, he heard Sander’s promise, “voor altijd” as he shifted to put his arms around Sander.  
He could feel tremors course through the taller boy and after a few seconds, felt Sander shift to hide his face against the crook of his neck and felt tears dampen the skin there. He tightened his embrace across Sander’s shoulders as he finally let it all out, this pent - up emotion. All he could do is reassure this strong boy, this warrior that it was alright to cry, he was safe and that Robbe was here to stay. He kept chanting “het is niet erg” over and over and kept his embrace firm as Sander continued to break down. Slowly, he lowered them down to the floor. Once they were seated, Robbe supported Sander against him and kissed the top of his head, giving him all the comfort that he could offer. He gripped Sander’s hair gently and whispered in his ear “I’m so happy that I found you”.

At some point during the hours they’d spent in that room, Robbe had shifted them so they were leant against a wall, this section hadn’t been adorned with drawings though. Continuing to run his fingers through Sander’s hair, Robbe took the time to just take in the fact that they’d found each other again, draw solace from each other’s company and finally, find some semblance of peace. He’d looked at the wonderful drawings that were of him and couldn’t contain the awe and wonder he felt for the boy in his arms. Sander’s sobs had reduced to whimpers and now, his breathing was calm. Robbe suspected he’d fallen asleep and was content to let them stay as they were but a quick glance at the watch told him that wouldn’t work. The school was going to lock up in around 15 minutes. Gently, trying not startle the worn-out figure intertwined with his, Robbe roused Sander. “Sander, it’s 4:45, we need to get going”. At the sound of his voice, Sander had begun to wake but by the end of the sentence, his head had snapped up and the expression on his face startled Robbe. His grip on the thick brown material of the jacket tightened and tears began to form anew as he begged Robbe not to take him back to that -. “No!’ Robbe exclaimed hastily, ‘Sander, listen to me, we’re going home. To my place. I’m not sending you back there. Please, believe me.” 

Sander’s head dropped against his shoulder as relief swept through him like a tidal wave. He was going to be safe with him, Robbe would make sure of that till the day he died. Gently, he lifted Sander’s head by the chin and cupped his face between both hands. Wiping the tear tracks away with his thumbs, he met that beautiful, heart breaking gaze with his own determined one. “Sander, love, listen to me. I’ll never leave you side. I can’t lose you again.” At that, Sander flung his arms around Robbe’s neck and hugged him for dear life. He didn’t hesitate to return the hug and when they broke off, Robbe got to his feet, extending a hand towards Sander to help him to his feet as well. Together, they packed up whatever Sander would need from here for tonight – they could sort out the rest tomorrow. Within 10 minutes, they were ready to leave, and Sander lead them out of the room. Keeping one hand firmly entwined with Robbe’s, Sander locked up the room behind them. Taking their own time, they made their way out of the building. The time had passed from before midday and it was now crawling closer to sunset. They’d found one another, they found love too.  
Both Robbe and Sander left the building as one, but very different to the two boys who’d entered the building hours ago. They left with the true promise of “forever” between them. They set off towards home, a smile on both their faces – weary but content and happy.


	2. I Found (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sander realises that this is now, for real and that Robbe wasn't going anywhere. He'd found a love where he hadn't expected to and now, he wasn't letting go.

MANDAAG 17:30 – DINSDAG 07:27

“Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease.” – Naguib Mahfouz

Sander made sure not to let go of Robbe, he was the only thing that kept him grounded and upright as they made their way home. Home. Sander felt a sense of belonging in that word that he hadn’t in years. Soon after his diagnosis, he felt an intangible chasm form between Sander and his parents. Yes, they took care of him, provided for him and tried to love him the best they could but it just wasn’t the same anymore. For the longest time, he had carried the weight of guilt and shame for his condition – Sander couldn’t help but feel like a burden to all these undeserving people. His family was one thing and then there was Britt. While the others had been caring and somewhat overprotective (understandable, really), she had been controlling and treating Sander like he wasn’t his own person. She had been manipulative, uncomprehending and cruel. Amid that terrible storm, he found Robbe.

At first, he didn’t want to believe it – this angel of a boy simply couldn’t be real. Where Britt was a dark cloud, a storm, Robbe was a literal ray of sunshine. He was quiet, reserved and cautious and there was something about him that drew Sander in, like a moth to a flame. The blond soon came to discover that he was right about his gut instinct: Robbe, with his fire, wouldn’t be the kind to burn him, raze his being to nothing but provide warmth, comfort and solace – the kind you’d come home to on a snowy night. By 5:30, they’d made it home and Sander was relieved to find that the flat was empty. He didn’t have the energy or explanations ready for other people. From the imperceptible relaxing of his shoulders, it seemed to him that Robbe was thankful for the privacy and quiet as well.

After slipping off their shoes, Robbe led them without preamble towards his bedroom. Should the others arrive anytime soon, they’d see an unfamiliar pair of shoes and no one about and take the hint. Shutting the door behind them, Robbe had Sander slip out of his jacket and hung it up on a peg. Stepping towards him but mindful to not invade his personal space, Sander watched Robbe try and figure out something in his head. Finally, there was a slow intake of breath and a surprising question  
“Is there anything you need right now?” Sander’s mind ceased to function for a second, not able to comprehend an otherwise straightforward query. He’d become so used to how Britt and his family members just decided practically everything for him after a spell like this that the autonomy Robbe was giving him was confusing. Hesitantly, he replied, “I think a shower would be good right now and, um, I’m a little hungry.” Smiling gently, Robbe nodded, picked up Sander’s bag and guided him towards the bathroom. At the door, Robbe let go and once again, Sander got a little teary eyed at being asked if he wanted anything specific to eat. This was new, unfamiliar territory but one that he wasn’t afraid to explore, not with Robbe by his side.

It would be a lie to say that Sander didn’t like a whole new person after the shower.The hot water had done wonders for his strained shoulders especially and he felt clean, like he could start on a clean slate from here on. Pulling on a large black T shirt and a pair of joggers, Sander made his way back to Robbe’s room and stopped just outside the door which had been left ajar. He couldn’t help the smile that formed despite the low he was in – a foreign action but involuntary, all because of Robbe. He was oblivious to the world around his as he tidied the room and made slight changes to some of its aspects such that it reflected Sander’s interests too. The extent to which Robbe was going to try and make him comfortable warmed Sander’s heart, truly. He coughed a little so as not to startle the smaller boy.

It didn’t exactly work as Robbe let out an (adorable) high pitched yelp and whirled around, crashing into him. Once he realised who it was, he hid his face against Sander’s shoulder, his body shaking with muffled laughter. Sander stood there with his arms wrapped tightly around Robbe, relishing this moment. A few seconds later, they stepped away and Robbe pointed a thumb behind him. “Hungry?” It was a simple meal of soup and a side of bread. Sander was thankful as he knew he didn’t have the appetite for a heavy meal but the gnawing ache in his stomach was impossible to ignore now. The boys spent the next few minutes in silence, drawing comfort from the food and one another’s company. When Robbe left the room with their dishes, Sander finally took the time to appreciate the room around him. He could hear the clink of the cutlery, the running of water in the distance and smiled. It finally felt like home.

However, when Robbe returned, Sander sensed a shift in the atmosphere and mood. Sitting upright on the bed, he eyed Robbe cautiously. What was going to happen? Rationally, he knew there was nothing to worry about but that traitorous part of his mind piped up again, reminding him of all that could possibly go wrong again, like the last time. Robbe must have sensed his thoughts begin to spiral as he stepped forward and gently took both of Sander’s hands in his. “Hey, look at me”. The plea brought tears to his eyes once more. He looked up and held Robbe’s gaze. He could see the other boy’s eyes roaming his face, trying to discern what was wrong, the worry evident in every contour of his face. Sander couldn’t help but repeatedly draw comparisons, though he knew Britt and the guardian angel stood before him were nothing alike. No one had ever shown him this compassion, this patience and so, even with repeated reassurances, he still felt undeserving of any of it. 

Yet, this couldn’t be true now, could it? Back there, Robbe had seen the result of Sander hitting rock bottom after that euphoric, wonderful high and still stood by him. He couldn’t remember when, if at all, he’d broken down like that. But Robbe didn’t let shame come creeping in. He encouraged Sander to allow himself to feel and the blond was thankful for it. He felt light and carefree due to that release and knowing this was temporary, he relished in it. Coming out of his bubble, Sander looked up to see that Robbe had a small smile on his face. Evidently, his expression must have changed enough for the other boy to worry less. Lifting their clasped hands, Sander placed a small kiss on Robbe’s knuckles.

“Thank you” he said softly. He let go of Robbe and watched as he took a seat at the desk chair. Leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, he looked Sander and asked “What for? You never need to thank me, ever. Well, know that we’ve got some food in us, are you up to talking? About, well, anything.” Almost instantly, Sander felt his throat seize up, mouth go dry. Before, this deceptively open question always led to him getting trapped. He was manipulated into being honest and Sander always paid the price. He tried not to make assumptions and see that Robbe was genuine and that he really did care about Sander, his well-being and not Robbe assessing if he was in any danger when Sander would ‘go crazy’ (credit: Britt) next. Taking a few deep breaths, he scooted forward so their knees almost touched. Clearing his throat, he opened his mouth only to clamp it shut once more.  
Looking down, he said almost inaudibly “I can’t, not right now. I know I’ll be ready in a few days, but I’m completely spent right now.” His shoulders slumped and Sander didn’t dare meet Robbe’s eyes, expecting to see anger and impatience. However, he was surprised once more when two fingers lifted his chin and Sander was shocked to see only affection and understanding in those dark brown eyes. “Okay, Sander. It’s okay. I know its only 8 but do you want to turn in? I don’t think there’s anything to do really.”

Sander smiled and nodded, grateful that Robbe was being diplomatic and non - judgemental about all this. A few minutes later, they were both tucked in and Sander turned over to face the other boy. “Would you be okay with holding me tonight?” There wasn’t anything more that needed to be said because after turning back, he felt Robbe scoot closer and put his arm across his waist. He took his hand and snuggled further into the pillow, falling asleep to the rhythm of Robbe’s breathing and a feeling of satisfaction wrapping him in a second blanket. Neither of them had hoped to find their way back to one another but against all odds, they did. Sander and Robbe had found love where it “wasn’t supposed to be”. Everyone else had tried pulling them apart, turn them the other way but they’d pushed back to face one another. Love had been staring them in the face – it was like looking in the mirror and this time, they held on with both hands.  
Sander woke up slightly disoriented and bleary eyed to Robbe pulling on a shirt and he felt a twinge of fear shoot through him. “Robbe? Are you… leaving me behind?’ The other boy started slightly and turned around to look at him. Sander could see his sweet smile as he bent down to kiss him softly. “No’, he whispered ‘not in this universe, at least. I’ll always return. I’m just heading off to school, we have an exam today”. Squeezing Sander’s shoulder gently, Robbe stepped back, acknowledging with a wider smile Sander’s wish of good luck. The blond shut his eyes and snuggled further under the duvet and fell asleep once more, assured and safe. Yesterday had been a bit much - he’d deal with the world once more when he was coherent and clear headed. Sander would take on life, with Robbe, ‘minuut by minuut’.

This chapter was inspired by this edit:  
https://www.instagram.com/p/B6Obgr-HH1d/

Much love to the amazing video editing community!


	3. Breakeven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe and Sander have THE conversation. This chapter is from Robbe's perspective - he tells Sander about his experiences and emotions in the period of their 2nd Chernobyl fallout.
> 
> TW: Mentions of Homophobia and Assault  
> : Implicit talk of Suicide (Attempt)

AN 1:

Please Read: 

I believe that this is a conversation that needs to be shown. WTFock was the first remake to show something so painful, raw and real and its also the responsibility of the writers to come full circle with it. Zoe's trauma was spoken about in this season and so, I hope that they'll do the same for our boys in S4. I hope that I have been able to portray sensitively the pain of the LGBTQ+ community when they have to endure something as terrible as this. If you have any objections with Robbe's dialogues and want me to change their tone, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or message me - I can not speak from experience and I've done the best I can. 

There were many opinions about that clip and to that I wish to add this. A few days ago, 2 men were attacked and had to go to hospital to treat severe injuries. It was a homophobic attack. In the city of Ghent, Belgium. WTFock is set in Antwerp, Belgium. Unfortunately, the clip was all to real and all to relevant to the experiences of a marginalised community and I am thankful that the topic had been brought up.

I dedicate this chapter to those men in Ghent and to all those before us who have faced the bigotry of those who don't understand the meaning of humanity and equality. Thank you for standing up, being proud, yourselves and I'm sorry that the world couldn't treat you with basic human respect.

If you wish to read of the men's experience (firsthand account), here is the link:

https://twitter.com/alterlove14/status/1211630179556241410?s=19

On this platform, this chapter is dedicated to @fitshante for motivating me to write this chapter. It was difficult but I hope its okay..  
For this chapter, I listened to a cover of "Breakeven" from the Voice (a battle), the link to which is attached here. I feel like the pacing and alterations made to the song fit the subject and emotions of this chapter much better than the original (more upbeat and bright, to me). I encourage you to give it a listen!

I know its a sombre and painful chapter to be posted on this date but especially after the assault in Ghent, I felt obliged to do so. Nevertheless, Happy New Year!  
\-- --

Around a week or so had passed and he and Sander had settled into a routine of sorts. Now, it was a Friday evening and Robbe had chosen to stay in, he had actual school work to attend to, after all. Zo, Milan and Senne had other commitments so the flat was quieter than usual. Down the hall, he could hear Sander in the kitchen and once again, he took a moment to remind himself that the blond was safe and with him once more. However, now that Robbe had a moment of peace, he couldn’t help the path his mind took, reminding him of that horrific night and the rollercoaster of emotions that followed. There simply wasn’t an opportunity for the two of them to discuss what they’d gone through – but was that just them making excuses? Robbe didn’t want to think of it like that but perhaps that’s what it was. There’s no denying, that what happened was horrific and that they didn’t deserve it at all. Of course, Sander must see it the same way. But what Robbe didn’t understand was the other boy’s refusal to report this to the police. He hadn’t questioned the evasion at the time, too dazed to take notice of it but now, the question came back to the forefront of Robbe’s mind where it had been buried away under everything else. Why? What had –? Robbe’s head snapped up at a small sound from the doorway. There stood Sander with a tray clutched in his hands, laden with two steaming mugs of coffee and a few biscuits between them.

His voice shook slightly with the one - word question: “Coffee?”. Robbe nodded, unsure as to why Sander looked so nervous and wary. He set the tray on the bed and they both climbed up to sit opposite one another, the tray between them. Sitting cross legged and nursing a mug in their hands, they watched one another, trying to figure out what to say. Eventually, Robbe couldn’t hold his silence and blurted out his question. “Why?”. Sander looked confused, an indication that he had to elaborate. “There are two things I want to know the answer for ‘why’ to. Please. Please tell me this.” Robbe hadn’t realised how tightly he’d been holding the mug till Sander gently pried it out of his hands and took them in his, gently squeezing. “Of course, but what two things?”. At this, he hesitated slightly, coming up against a barrier he hadn’t really realised was there until he came up against it. The words “assaulted that night” were heavy on his tongue, pushing against his pursed lips but he didn’t want to put them out in the open. Not to Sander. That would make it all too real. Saying it out loud to him would be like ripping off a band aid you thought had healed a wound but finding it bleeding profusely, an ugly shade that was stark against your skin. Like one of the many bruises that - . No. There was no stopping now. They had to lay it bare. Yet, Robbe’s voice tremored as he put the question out “After we were… assaulted, that night’ Sander’s grip on his hands tightened instantly, and he sat up like someone had given him an electric shock but Robbe continued, before his nerve deserted him ‘Why didn’t you want us to go to the police?”

It felt like now that the dam had broken, the water wouldn’t stop coursing past. Robbe couldn’t stop the follow up question, no matter how much he wanted to. This was already tremendously difficult, and he knew the next one was likely to be harder, but he had to. He ploughed on “Then when I thought that we could somehow get back to how it was before, I see you kissing Britt at the party! Why? Why do that after saying you love me? Do you know how much -” Robbe had to stop, the sobs choking him. Once again, he was falling to pieces, this time with an audience. Through blurred vision, he saw may emotions cross Sander’s face but two stood out the most: distress and concern in equal measure. 

Robbe could see his duvet get spotted dark with the moisture of his tears and blinked, frustrated at himself for getting so worked up, so vulnerable so soon. Suddenly, it struck him. There was a way to communicate, roughly, his emotions at the time: music. Letting go of Sander for a moment, he reached for his phone and scrolled through his playlist, looking for a particular song: Breakeven by The Script. Before playing the song, Robbe looked the other boy in the eye, holding his gaze, hoping the silent plea that Sander understand what Robbe couldn’t put into his own words. In this instance, Daniel O’ Donoghue was his voice. “This is kind of what I felt, I guess? Some of the verses just hit the nail on the head”. Taking a deep breath, he pressed play.

“I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in  
'Cause I got time while she got freedom  
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even  
\----  
They say bad things happen for a reason  
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding  
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving  
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even, no  
What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,  
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces  
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)  
I'm falling to pieces  
('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)  
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame  
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh  
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name”

Songwriters: Andrew Frampton / Daniel O'Donoghue / Mark Sheehan / Stephen Kipner

The closing chords of the song echoed around them, Daniel’s voice an almost palpable presence between the boys. Robbe began fidgeting with the blanket covering his lap. The memories of this period were extremely painful, hindsight only seemed to amplify the hurt. He couldn’t meet Sander’s eyes, knowing that seeing his expression would only obliterate his already crumbling resolve. He took a deep breath but cursed himself silently when despite it, his voice wavered.

He decided to start with the beautiful part before the ugly, “That night, our date was amazing Sander." Reaching below the collar of his t shirt, Robbe brought out his necklace and unclasped it, letting the chain pool around the intricately carved pendant. Holding it in his palm, he held it up in front of him. “Sander, you were, are, my guardian angel, Sander, just like this one. Looking at it now, I feel like Icarus. Meeting you, being with you set me free, broke the chains that had been wrapped around me for so long. You gave me wings and over those weeks, I found myself steadily soaring higher and higher, confident that you would support me. There was a voice in the back of my head, telling me to be careful but I just didn’t want to listen. It was euphoric, being with you, and as I ascended higher and higher, I began to care less. We were in our own world, our own universe.” He met Sander’s gaze briefly and the adoration in his eyes brought a small smile to his face. It soon slipped away, and he looked down once more, choosing to keep his focus on the jewellery in his hand. Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Little did I know that those wings would fall apart and fail me, and it was something I was completely unprepared for. Why should I have been?” Robbe’s free hand formed a tight fist around the duvet, the frustration and anguish overwhelming him. “Nevertheless, those men severed the wings from my shoulder blades, and I couldn’t find anything to help keep them with me. I was up there, flying, finally happy and they yanked me, us, back to the ground, slammed me into the concrete.

Their kicks, their slurs extinguished the light you’d brought into my life, infused into my soul. I was left there, curled up on the ground, and with the echo of their footsteps and the turning of a cycle wheel the only sounds, I broke completely. In moments, I’d become this hollow shell and it felt so much like before, before you that I just couldn’t handle it.” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “I like to think I’m not naïve, Sander, and with regards to this, I’m not. We both know how much those disgusting words can feel no less than a physical blow because I hurt you in that way. I’ve never regretted anything more and I hope you know that.” Once more, Sander reached out to clasp Robbe’s hands in his, squeezing gently – assurance and trust. That’s what made saying the next part so much worse. “I – at that party, Noor confronted me about knowing I was, am, gay and you know what she said? She – she’ tears came to his eyes once more on recollecting the scorn in those words ‘she said, and I quote ‘It’s 2019. No one cares if you’re gay.” He let that statement hang in the air between them, the recollection met with a silence so deafening, it was almost like Sander wasn’t even there but the sharp intake of breath at ‘cares’ did all the talking.

“I couldn’t even respond to that because coupled with the hurt from her words, I saw something then that knocked the wind out of me, it felt exactly like when those dogs had pummelled it out of us – you were kissing Britt. I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurt. Under those lights, I could see the bruising around your eye, the stiffness in your body. Those were evidence that the experience wasn’t a hallucination – it had happened – but your actions told me otherwise. It was something that my mind simply refused to process. You slipped out of what I’d thought was a safe grip that I had on you, but it was more like cupping water in your hand. No matter what you do, it will all leave, just like that. We hadn’t spoken afterwards, which I didn’t completely understand but took it in stride. I’d assumed we’d get to it eventually, but you flipped that on its head. You have to understand how it looked like to me, please. I thought that you were fine – impossible I know. You had – and still have – a large part of my heart in your hands and in that moment, I saw it get crushed. I was winded.” Robbe inhaled and the emotional toll this was taking on him brought an ache that was just like that one.Did you know that underneath my hoodie, my torso was littered with a variety of colourful bruises? It hurt to breathe, Sander. I just couldn’t take it and I don’t know, I was on autopilot and, and a few minutes later, I found myself on this ledge – .” Sander’s sharp gasp made Robbe’s gaze snap up to meet his and what he found on that angelic countenance made him freeze.

“Sander, seeing you at that café with Jens, your bruise so distinct in just confused me even more. Shouldn’t the intensity have reduced a little? But I was so hurt and confused that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you and I think now that I should have. But that morning, seeing you reminded me of all those vulgar terms that were thrown in our faces and I couldn’t match that with this beautiful thing between us. How can these bigots see something in a completely different light? I thought that the emotions we have for one another are just like what’s between Zo and Senne – but those boys showed me differently, proving my worst fears. I was confused, still am and I don’t know what to make of all this.”

The blond looked like he was in physical pain, like Robbe himself had stabbed him in the chest or worse, kicked him in the stomach. They both knew what that felt like The horror, pain and guilt that were so obvious on his face made his heart clench and he itched to wipe away the steady stream of tears that were leaving tracks on his cheeks. Robbe couldn’t continue, it was too much and anything that he had to say had finally been said, be it through music or what was on his mind for so long. It was Sander’s turn now.

A/N 2:

I have some work commitments next week so it will be around 2 weeks till the next chapter will be available for you to read. It's all drafted out - just the matter of writing it all out! C4 will be from Sander's perspective. Do leave your feedback below, and drop a vote, it would mean the world!

Dhyan x


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